A study ( Burpee and Langer, (2005*) was designed to find out if there was a relationship between mindfulness, similarity to the partner and marital satisfaction. The researchers wanted to know specifically if mindfulness mattered and if so, how much did it contribute to a happy marriage. So they gave a questionnaire and a mindfulness measure to 55 women and 40 men, ages 25 to 74, who were currently married.
Mindfulness was defined as an active process of drawing novel distinctions between the spouses and having a heightened awareness of alternative perspectives. I take it to mean assuming a mindful perspective toward marriage highlights the uniqueness of each person and foster an open-minded acceptance of the different perspectives that result from each individual.
It turned out mindfulness was far more important to marital satisfaction than how much they shared in common. In fact, perceived similarity didn’t even hit the line of significance.
The study got me to thinking what is the take-away from this study in practical terms. Here are my thoughts based on their findings. Please share yours in the comments section.
1. Celebrate your differences. See the value in having different points of view. There’s probably a few you can name when you look at the situation with curiosity, without prejudice and an open-mind. The differences keep things interesting. Two intelligent minds can be better than one when you need to solve problems.
2. Bring novelty to the relationship by doing different things together and apart. Remember that liking similar things did not correlate with a happy marriage.
Novelty doesn’t have to always be entirely new things, but variations of what you normally do. For example, cooking or eating a meal at a restaurant that you’ve never had before, seeing a totally different movie or concert, read each other’s favorite magazine and then in each of these instances, have a meaningful conversation about your experience afterward.
3. When conflict is of a more intense nature, discuss the details of each of your points of view to provide your partner a clear understanding of your perspective at this point in time. The partners in a mindful relationship remember not to let what was once true get in the way of what is currently true. It’s easy to slip into automatic thinking or mindlessness. Here you make assumptions that you know what they “really mean” and stay in a conflicted state that may not exist. Actively listen and consider your spouse’s existing of point of view.
4. Take responsibility for your state of being by regularly asking yourself if you’re in a mindful or a mindless state of relating. If it’s the latter, shift your attention into the present by focusing on your breath for a minute and observing what is actually happening in that moment in you. Stay in that space until you are focused in the present in the moment. Then you can be open and attentive to what your partner is saying and in choosing your response.
5. Be open to and engage with your partner when they share something with you. Everyone likes to feel they are heard, known and seen for who they are.
6. Change is the nature of life. Mindful partners are less threatened by change and see the current contexts of situations in their relationship and partner.
*Burpee, Leslie C., and Ellen J. Langer. 2005. Mindfulness and marital satisfaction. Journal of Adult Development 12, no. 1: 43-51.
http://nrs.harvard.edu/urn-3:HUL.InstRepos:3160495
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Kimberly Wulfert, PhD, Licensed Psychologist & Coach in Ventura & Ojai California, virtually
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Interesting summary of this marriage study. Thanks!
Courtesy is the key – trying to change your partner after the marriage is not possible — if your partner is courteous and you also approach your conflict with courtesy you will enjoy many years of happiness. Simple things like turning on the outside lights when you are arriving after dark, or never leaving wet towels on the rug, or listening to you rant about work without interrupting and giving you a hug when you are finished. The last word does not a winner make, not when you are dealing with someone who never forgets it will always come back and bite you. So bite your tongue, “Nothing is worth the energy lost in conflict” If you have a short wick and fly off the handle easily, walk away get some distance between you, give yourself time to get it in prospective, walk away, think it out, cool off, the distance gives
you time to see the others side. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree life is not always black and white it is about compromise the act of sharing your life with someone you love and respect and courtesy is the key.